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Archive for the ‘That’s bugging me !’ Category

I’ve been blogging in French yesterday and now my post is in the main page of the society French kind of blog loving platform named Hellocoton. It’s just if, in the wordpress world, I have been published in the Freshly Pressed news !

See looks : that’s the blog about Besson and EDF (Eric Besson the French politician do not misunderstood with Luc Besson the French movie’s director).

What was my post about ? I’m going to tell you.

I don’t know if you heard / read about it but Monday morning something really serious happened in France.

Greenpeace activist invade 4 different nuclear plant sites in France (Nogent sur Marne, Blayais, Cadarache and Chinon) put some banners in the site then just wait to be found by the any authority available (military /cops / security agent’s or GIGN the French Swap, pick your choice !!)

They just break in and hide and well, I’m really afraid to tell it, wait a long long time (5 hours) to be found ! Yes 5 hours !!! UNBELIEVABLE.

Eric Besson (Minister of Industry) just told the press :

Maybe they could do it, but I’m really surprised because our Nuclear plant sites are really safe and protected and that’s something we have been a lot criticised about.

EDF (The French Electricity company) says:

No one was in the sensitive part of the installations. They knew that it was Greenpeace, so some pacifist’s activists and that the site didn’t risk anything but to every moment they knew where they were….

Ok so if they knew where they was, why did it took them 5 hours to find them ? How could they know that it was just pacifist’s activists ? So because there is Greenpeace write down their clothes, you just let them in ? How safe is it ? Why if they were terrorists ? What if they wanted to damage the sites ? Create a catastrophe ?

Did you know that Greenpeace already invade nuclear plant site in France in 1997 ? That happened once before !! So how could 9 non trained activists pass the security so easily and could stay hide in the site so long when something like that happened already in the past ? They were just nurse, working in the informatics, more than 50 years old for some of them, not practicing any sport for most of them.

No I’m afraid to not feel safe in my country anymore, to have a stupid and non efficient government who’s more interesting to keeping their privileges than trying to keep the people safe and protected. So yes I’m really pissed off and I thought it deserve to be told to the world !

I really do hope that French people will react and actually do something about it, I do hope that we all try to change what’s happening in our country. I do hope…


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Will you see this glass half full or half empty ?

That’s a fact, purely and simply the true.

We are pessimist from nature, always looking to the bad happening to us and not the good. We are particularly good to failed in our professional life and not to allowing ourself to be finally happy and to get what we really want. We just use some stupid and crazy excuses like: there is no way that I can do this, this is too complicated / crazy / dangerous / stupid / impossible*.

It’s really occurred to me while I was doing my personal branding with a group of 6 others people. Most of the people present there were doing it because they had to be fired first of their jobs, even if they hated it, to begin to ask themselves the good questions. Is that job was really good for me ? Am I happy in my life ? Am I doing what I want ?

Well of course, I wasn’t exactly in the same situation because I was doing a job that I loved but I can’t do it anymore because of a prolapsed disc (hernia) but mainly because when I wasn’t happy with my previous job (assistant camera in the cinema), I just quit and changed it ! What it seems completely crazy for French people to do ! Why this ? Just because I’ve lost a job situation, a kind of stability and mostly because I won’t have to ask myself what would be the future for me. Well now, I have to find something else that I would like to do but that is another story.

The more crazy / stupid* thing is to stay in a job situation that not makes you happy but even worst that you makes you feel sick / stressed / depressed* !!

Every one around us just telling us, from an unconscious way that we can’t do what we want, we couldn’t achieve it ! We are just programmed to fail. If we succeed in our life that must be because we used our connections, we were really very lucky or pay some people to get what we wanted*.  But never because we were working hard to get what we really wanted in our life !

We just can’t succeed, that’s non-French !

And this state of mind begin in school when we are kids. If we have suddenly one of the best score of a test in school, that’s not because you were working hard at home to study it but because you were cheating ! True story ! Even worst, one of my French teachers breaks me down in front of all the class because she couldn’t accept that I’ve written alone a home work’s essay, no for her it was too good to be my paper, it has to be my parent’s essay ! Yep that’s right !! So instead of having a good score and some compliments, I’ve been humiliated in front of everyone and got a really bad score ! What was the result of it ? Well I’ve been writing the next essays to “fit” to her bad student’s standard, that means a way down my owns ! I guess in her mind, a girl would not spend her time to read books on her spare time instead of watching TV. That’s quite sad isn’t it ?

Yes we are programmed to failed, to be unhappy and to communicated our depressed feelings in some kind of way.

Take this simple example, someone who is simply happy in his / her life, smiling will make others jealous of him / her ! The morning, instead of telling something nice and lovely when we meet someone, we just kiss on the check, barely tells a “good morning” and every one is going to do his / her tasks of the day. No compliments, no nice words !

Where are the positive and lovely thoughts to share with others ? Does one person happy and optimist will not pass her happiness and good state of mind to her entourage ?

Why we, French people, are not good to this ? Why are we so pessimist instead of being such lovely and optimist people ?

* Delete where inapplicable

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I’m not in the mood to write today.

I can’t put my thoughts together, I can’t think clearly because the only think who really is obsessing me lately is about my professional life. What will I do next ? What job that I like can I do ?

I know that I could find some jobs just for the money as a waitress or in a shop but that’s not something that I like, it will just be to pay the rent, just earning money. That will be ok for a couple of months maybe more or maybe less but will come a day where I will have enough of it and will want to do something that I will really like.

But here’s the problem : I don’t know what I will really like to do ! It seems silly but I likes work in the cinema before, then one day I had enough, then I really liked to work in the theatre / music but my body just told me that it wasn’t ok. So here am I… Lost in my thoughts and with no idea or any clues about what I will become next.

Working in the publishing world ? In the communication or as a RP ? Advertising ‘s world ? Cinema or music production ? I don’t know !! I even had an idea about opening a coffee bookshop store…

I have to change for the third time of work ( I don’t count all the students and summer jobs that I had of course… ) and this time I don’t want to fail. I don’t want to miss the good jobs for me.

So I’m trying so hardly to think about this question: What do I really like to do ? But it seems like to be a foolish question, the most impressive brainstorming at the end. I don’t know, I just don’t know.

How a such simple question like this one could be the most difficult to answer ?

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Well I have to admit this last couple of weeks have not been the best of the year. I can easely resume it this way:

  1. Trying to get an quick appointment with a a rheumatologost
  2. Reading to killing time between calls
  3. Finally getting an appointment after 5 days of calls !
  4. Waiting to see the doctor and reading
  5. Finally going to see the doctor
  6. Have to wait one more week without painkiller to know how I feel now
  7. Going back to the doctor
  8. Going better but I can’t carrying weight anymore.

So yes I’m recovering and I will going better but if I don’t want to have a surgery in the next years, my rheumatologist strongly recommend me to not carrying weight anymore, so to strongly think about changing job.

Well he did not tell me to change job exactly but to think about what kind of job I could do in theatre without carrying heavy things… And honestly, have you ever seen lot of stage manager who do not carrying weight, do you ? Because I don’t… Plus, they already take the decision they do not needed me at my work. So no more job for me in this theatre / music hall…

so what's next ? So honestly, I’m feeling a little bit down right now. I’ve the feeling to be to the exact same point than a year ago, except maybe than now I’m living with my awesome boyfriend. I’ve just changed career and now I’m here wondering the same questions again….

What will I do with my life ? What should I do, what would I love to do ? What can I do as career ?

That’s really not easy specially when you have a cinema degree ! What the hell can I do with an art degree in this world ? How could I expect to change job when in France it’s already difficult when you have the good degrees to get a job, so what about now ? Why everything is just so complicate in this country to change career ? Nothing has been made to change career here, if you don’t have the proper degree in whatever it is, you don’t even get an interview ! And when you have the good degrees and get finally a chance with an interview, they don’t choose you because you’re too young – old – inexperienced – too experienced – not enough fighting – too fighting – too confident – not enough confident* and so on ! Crazy isn’t is ? It’s just like if you don’t have the right to change career and expect to have a successful career at one point in your life.

So yes, now I’m just wondering what will I become next ? What will I do ? Go back to school at 29 years old ? Can I really do this ? I mean, school is so long behind me, I need to work, to earn my money or how could I pay my rent ! Maybe finding a training or something for adult but what kind of training and how much will it cost ? So many questions and so few answers ! I can’t count with the employment office about their help, they just told me to put me as invalid person (so I will not in charge of the employment office !). What !??! I can’t do this!! Having a hernia does not make you as an invalid person ! And what next ? How could I get a job with this invalid state upon my head, write in my file ?! No one would ever hire me for good.

So yes now I’m a little bit lost, wondering a way too many questions and I don’t have any ideas where I should start and mostly how I should do it ? Do you have any advice to help me to change career ? Have you ever needed to change it ?

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Ok today will be a bugging me today post !

It’s been almost 2 weeks now that I’m trying to get an appointment in emergency with a rheumatologist…  but Nothing happens ! I’m calling but they do not have any time to see me before July (when I’m lucky) or worst October if I want to see one in a CHU (centre hospitalo – universitaire) ! But I really need to see one soon ! I can’t move from my home for 2 weeks now and I’m still block to my apartment without possibly carrying anything and difficulty to walk for another two weeks. I don’t even mention the pain and the medications who really shoot me down !

Prolapsed Intervebral disc / sciatica
Prolapsed Intervebral disc / sciatica

I have a hernia (or prolapsed invertebral disc) L4 / L5 of 6mm under the ligament pressuring the sciatica nerve that means if I’m moving too much or just make a false movement, it could get worst, without talking about the pain getting down in my left leg and this awkward feeling to have pins and needles in my buttock all day long too ! My doctor said to me I needed infiltrations but I have to see a rheumatologist, he’s the one who could do that.

The funny things in this situation is if you want to see a rheumatologist, you MUST  have a note from your doctor first ! If not, they can’t get you an appointment ? What the Fuck ?! What about if it’s a holiday and your doctor is in vacation just like mine was last week!? Emergency ? Yes sure, they told you to go to your doctor too… What the hell are they useful ?! And even with a note and a recommendation from your doctor, it’s almost impossible to see a specialist…. I really have the feeling to get CRAZY.

Now I’m really pissed off because it seems that I’m leaving in the middle of nowhere to not could get one quickly, I’m not ! I’m leaving in Paris ! Hello ! That’s the bigger town in France !! The capital of the country ! It’s so much easier to get a medical appointment in my home town Nice ! But guess what, I can’t flight to Nice or get there with train because of my back… I’m king of desperate now…

Any Idea that could get me one faster ?!

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It’s not my use to not feeling happy about something or to want to write about it, but today I feel this is the moment to share this real annoying feeling.

Everything is going good in my new life except for one point, my job ! I do love that job and the people wich I’m working except one… The other guy who’s working on the light with me, the “Other”, the “Official light House manager”. He’s really treating me badly, with no respect for me and the only things that he lets me do is the “Focus”.

What the focus is about ? Well it’s about to climb the extension ladder at something like 14 ft to 16 ft high to move – “focus” the lights. Ok to climb the extension ladder is not a problem, I can do that but it’s more about the way how he talks to me. Instead of calling me by my name, is calling me ” The chinese” or ” the girl”…. Hummm not very respectful I think !! He never explain me anything or give me any information about what is he doing or what he planed to do… He “hired” a young intern girl and I didn’t even know about it, I’ve just discovered it when she introduced to me as a Light’s intern two days ago. I think he wants to make me fired by the “Boss”.

Because of this man and the “mood” in our “team”, I’m not enjoying going to my work the morning. That’s a shame because I like everyone else and I deeply like working in this Concert Hall. I think I’m going to talk about it to the “Boss” of the concert hall but in a certain way, I’m kind of afraid to lose this job because I need it too… I’m just like I don’t really know what to do and I don’t why but I’m loosing my way in front of this ugly man. And when I’m loosing my way, I’m getting like confused of everything and loosing too all my confidence… Argh that’s a terrible feeling !

What do you do when you’re feeling the same ?

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